Bodie's Soliloquy

So, I've been in the midst of a six-week summer semester at school. Psychiatric Nursing and Microbiology...in 6 weeks! Needless to say I've been in hell. I'm not sure if I've shared this before (considering my posts span two years i'm not surprised i don't remember whats in them!) but i've never been a particularly good student. The school environment just never really worked well for me. I think I'm smart, probably even above average, but its just the way it's structured that really doesn't work for me.
So I've been attempting to study Microbial Genetics and anxiety disorders all weekend as I have a micro test on monday morning. I've been on a swing back and forth between literally on the verge of tears to almost manic elation when I finally "get" something. It is exhausting!
I think the only thing thats allowed me to survive any of this is Live365.com (internet radio). I hardly ever turn it off now!

Checking my digital counter on the refrigerator I see that I have 362 days left until graduation. So times it seems so close and other times I feel like chucking the whole damn fridge out the window, digital counter and all!

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm being to hard on myself and that I put to much pressure on myself to do well. I don't really understand this, because I though thats what you're supposed to do...strive to do your best, never settle for second best, aim for the stars...blaa, blaa, blaaa!

Oh well. I don't know. My head hurts! I'm gonna go for now and try and study for another hour or so before I have to go to work this evening. I'll apologize now for these posts, I realize they are disjointed and don't ever really say much. Oddly enough though they are pretty representative of the state of my mind! haha!

take care all.

By the way, did you know that the same Bacteria that makes Swiss cheese is the same Bacteria that is responsible for acne! Now I understand the whole swiss cheese face joke! haha! I also know why I never really liked swiss cheese! ;-)

Holy Crap! It's been almost a year since my last entry. I really stink at this bloggin thing! haha. looking over my last few entries is so interesting. I have finished my first year of Nursing school now, and I was right on at least one point. It was one of the most difficult undertakings of my entire life. In fact, Monday is the begining of a hellish whirlwind summer session that will last only six short weeks, but will include Microbiology (with lab) and Psychiatric nursing (with clinical). I admit that here on Friday night, reflecting over the past year, I am filled with excitment, yes, but ultimately I am nauseated with fear and dread over the upcoming semester. I am confident I will pass and do well, thats not the fear I feel, but rather just the overwhelming work load and stress that is certain to come.

ultimately though, i am still so excited about being a nurse and still confident I will be an excellent one. Till next time folks!

i promise it won't be another year!
Bodie

I've worked 8 eight hour shifts in the last 5 days. I have at least 4 more left to go over the next 4 days unless more overtime comes available and I somehow convince myself I am capable of doing it. I will of course. I'm pretty tired right now but I must admit I still find myself energized and intrigued about being at the hospital and seeing all the things I see here in the intensive care unit.

I got the first schedule information about school in the mail yesterday. It's all starting to feel real to me with each task I do to prepare for it and as it gets closer on the calendar. As I was doing the schedule in my head...8am to 4pm Monday through Friday and then work friday 3:30pm to 11:30 pm, and of course work on Saturday and Sunday. I of course will have an insane amount of homework I imagine. I am scared to death about all this. I will need to keep this schedule up for 18 Months straight. With they typical small breaks that come with Christmas and Spring Break. And I will of course have to maintain at least a C in every class or if I am awarded the scholarship I'm hoping for then I will have to maintain a 3.0 the whole time.

My personal goal of course is to maintain a 4.0, I want to do the very best I can and show everyone what a fantastic nurse I will be. But I know in my heart that it is likely going to be the most difficult thing I have ever undertaken in my life (with the exception perhaps of basic training in the Army or Jump School).

Ugh. What a terribly uncomfortable mix of excitment and pure fear.

I can say that without a doubt I have never been so certain of anything in my life as I am about becoming a nurse. I know somewhere deep and uncomprimsing in my soul that I will become a nurse and that I will be good at it. I have absolutely no doubt. But I suppose doubt and fear are not necessarily the same thing and although the do often go hand in hand they don't depend on each other for existence.

I'm rambling I guess. Take care all.

Following is a piece written by Larry Kramer, A hero in my eyes and a villan in others I suppose. He has a wicked tougne, but that is his power and he weilds it with fierce consistency and determination. I admire him and agree with him.

Following that piece is an email exchange regarding the piece. I have not heard the issues (or my feelings) so well described as in these pieces. Enjoy and think!

(This piece will appear in The Advocate issue dated July 6th, which
will be
on sale from June 22nd.)

ADOLPH REAGAN

By Larry Kramer

Our murderer is dead. The man who murdered more gay people than anyone
in the entire history of the world, is dead. More people than Hitler even.
In all the tributes to his passing, as I write this two days after his
death, not one that I have seen has mentioned this. The hateful New York Times
("all the news that's fit to print") of course said nothing about this.
We still are not fit to write about with total honesty in their pages. Not
really. Just as we were not fit for Ronald Reagan to talk about us.
What kind of president is that?

I have been writing a long work of history which I call The American
People. I chose this title because in every speech he ever made Reagan went on
and on about "the American People." We of course were never a part of his American People. And we knew it. Year after year of his hateful and endless reign we knew we were not a part of the American People he was President of. He would never talk about us,
of course, or do anything for us except murder us. There were no social
services for us. There was no research into our health. Even as we were
dying like flies. How could he not have seen us dying? The answer is he
did see us dying and he chose to do nothing. There was no representation in
his government of us. There was never anything for us but his ignoble
dismissal of us.

All of Washington, indeed the world, knew that Reagan hated us. How
could they not? Most of them did, too. And when Daddy doesn?t love you, who
is there who will stand up to Daddy? This is a trick that Hitler used and
which I believe the young Reagan learned from him. He never had to say much
out loud himself about his hatreds; but everyone knew what they were. Gays
were as hated under Reagan as Jews were under Hitler. It is a trick that
both George Bushes have carbon-copied. We have not been included among their
American people either.

I could never understand why Reagan?s hatred of us was so intense and
manifest and never-ending. Some of Nancy Reagan"s best friends were
gay, the self-loathing Jerry Zipkin, at one time her principle "walker," chief
among them. It is said he taught her how to dress. In my play, Just Say No, I
dramatized my own theory of why she and her husband kept gays off their
agenda as if we were the plague, which of course, as in some hideous
self-fulfilling prophecy, we became. Ron Reagan, Jr. That is why. It
was no secret in an ever-widening circle that Ron Reagan, Jr. was suspected of
being gay. In his freshman year at Yale (I believe this was his only
year there; perhaps there were two) I have been told he had numerous gay
experiences. I am well known at Yale. Indeed, I have established the
Larry Kramer Initiative for Lesbian and Gay Studies at Yale to document the
evil acts that American ?history? has performed on us.

And just as damning of the son?s reputation of course, because it could
not be hidden, was that Ron Reagan, Jr. was a ballet dancer. This did not
look good and was obviously exceedingly embarrassing to a father who rode so
many horses. So off with the tutu and on with a wedding ring. Junior was
married off and sent to far-off places in positions of low visibility. I have
gay friends in Hollywood, equally closeted, who knew him and know him and
protect him. To know him is to be sworn to some sort of pact of
secrecy. What a hideous life Ron, Jr. must have led all these years. To be
denied a life and to have been so utterly gutless about fighting back. (Well, we
know all about that.) While his own mother was gallivanting around with some
of the biggest fairies in the world. What hateful parents to have had in
the prime of your life, ?the great communicator? of a father out there
communicating how much he hated you and his wife out there going along
with this. I suspect by now Ron Reagan, Jr. actually believes he is
straight. By now he may very well be. He may well have been all along. He just
looked so suspicious, and of course it was this perceived suspicion that, one way
or the other, is what caused his father to murder so many of us. Why does
history not recognize this monstrous and never-ending history of hatred
and the inestimable number of deaths it continues to cause?

People magazine called me for a quote on Reagan's death. "I wish he had
died before he was elected" is what I told them. I wonder what they will
run.

It is remarkable that two of the so-called ?greatest presidents? have
also allowed the greatest perpetrations and perpetuations of mass murder.
Franklin D. Roosevelt was shamefully inept in dealing with "the Jewish
question," (see my play The Normal Heart), most ironically since so
many Jews were his most loyal supporters, the Jerry Zipkins of their day. No
one really writes about this. Roosevelt is one of history?s great gods.
Just as no one really writes about Reagan and "the gay question." These two
major murderers so far have got away with helping to cause the two major
holocausts of modern history. Just as Jews are asked to never forget
their Holocaust I implore all gay people never to forget our holocaust and
who caused it and why. Ronald Reagan did not even say the word ?AIDS? out
loud for the first seven years of his reign. Because of this some 70 million
people, so far, have become infected with HIV/AIDS. I wonder what it
feels like to be the son and the wife of a man responsible for over 70
million people so far becoming infected with a virus that has killed over half
of us so far. I wonder what it felt like while he was alive to ponder this.
For surely he must have thought about it. How could he not? He has been
called the consummate actor who came to believe all his lines. Does this not
make his legacy even more grotesque? It should.

Hitler knew what he was doing. How could Ronald Reagan not have known
what he was doing?

But of course no one is writing about this. Reagan too is one of
history's gods.

So far he has got away with murder.

______________________________________________

>>>Larry,
>>> I find it interesting that you accuse the New York Times of
being
>>>"hateful." Its interesting how you accuse Regan of insensitivity
>>>when you openly
>>>accuse a dead President of being a murderer, just days after his
>>>passing. I'm sure
>>>you see it differently, since you have been through Regan's years as
our
>>>president, and I understand that you may have suffered through
>>>major losses of
>>>loved ones. Although I cannot recall those days, i can definately
>>>infer that his
>>>policies towards gays were severely unfavorable, but that doesn't
change my
>>>view of decency.
>>> To write an article on Ronald Reagan, calling him "Hitler" and
a
>>>"murderer," only days after his death--a time when his family is
>>>experiencing
>>>overwhelming grief--is like calling a recently deceased gay man "a
>>>faggot who will
>>>burn in hell." Its incredibly similar: both people are overwhelmed
>>>by gnarled
>>>frustration, their sense of decency wholly conquered.
>>>
>>> Will Hubbard

__________________________________________________
>>Will,
>>
>>"Decency" is not an absolute virtue. For instance, open discussion
>>of gay life, portrayals of gay eroticism or affection, even
>>acknowledgment of gay people's mere existence has routinely been
>>censored, for centuries, on the grounds of "decency."
>>
>>If you disagree with Larry's conclusions about Reagan's
>>responsibility for the deaths of thousands and thousands of people
>>who died of AIDS, then say so. But to object on the grounds of
>>"decency," and to liken the "insensitivity" of Larry's attempt to
>>remind people of Reagan's deadly AIDS policy to Reagan's treatment
>>of gay people and people with AIDS is morally obtuse.
>>
>>Like many gay men of his generation, Larry watched not only his
>>closest companions, but the vast majority of his other gay friends,
>>colleagues, and acquaintances -- virtually his entire social world
>>-- die often horrible deaths, rejected by their families and
>>reviled by self-styled "decent" citizens in both public and private
>>life.
>>
>>During that time, the most prominent leader of those forces of
>>"decency" was Ronald Reagan, the president of the United States and
>>champion of "traditional family values."
>>
>>This same president, who is being eulogized across the country
>>right now as a supremely kind, compassionate, and fundamentally
>>"decent" leader, refused even to utter the word AIDS for the first
>>7 years of his 8-year presidency, let alone to lead a fight to find
>>AIDS treatments, or even provide humane palliative care for people
>>with AIDS. While thousands and thousands of Americans died, and
>>thousands and thousands more were subjected to rampant verbal
>>abuse, discrimination, and physical violence, the leader of the
>>U.S. A. simply kept his mouth shut.
>>
>>So what, exactly, is "indecent" about Larry's calling Reagan, at
>>this moment in time (or at any other), a murderer, or likening him
>>to Hitler? One may take issue with the use of the Holocaust analogy
>>-- with its being used imprecisely -- but how is it "indecent," at
>>this moment of national assessment of Reagan's life, to lambast him
>>for his AIDS policy?
>>
>>Reagan was not a private citizen, and the responses to his death
>>are not being confined to private spaces. They are being carried
>>out, aggressively, in public. Congress is proposing putting
>>Reagan's face on the $10 bill (they should put it on the $1000 bill
>>instead, considering whose interests he served). And our current
>>president has declared tomorrow a national day of mourning.
>>
>>As for the analogy you draw, by what sort of simplistic logic is
>>Larry's rhetoric the same thing as a homophobe rejoicing over a
>>random gay man's death? One has suffered grievous injury at the
>>hands of the dead person; the other is continuing, after death, the
>>very same victimization he inflicted on the innocent person in life.
>>
>>As for your sympathy for Reagan's grieving family, to be honest, it
>>infuriates me. Nancy Reagan had plenty of opportunities to speak
>>about AIDS, during and after her husband's presidency, and to try
>>to make amends. That never happened. But when her husband got
>>Alzheimer's, suddenly she found her voice, and the world was
>>supposed to feel sorry for them, and to rally together to find a
>>cure. That would have been a perfect time to acknowledge how
>>unfeeling, and irresponsible, she and her husband had been when it
>>was their job to respond to the suffering of people with AIDS and
>>their loved ones. That never happened either.
>>
>>Well, having watched my partner become demented before AIDS killed
>>him, and having watched him and other friends undergo many of the
>>thousand and one horrors of the disease, I have to say that YOUR
>>insensitivity appals me. Perhaps you might try to imagine what it
>>feels like to us, who have suffered so much at the hands of Ronald
>>Reagan and the forces of "decency" that he led into power, to be
>>surrounded by this nonstop barrage of Reagan-adulation. And on top
>>of it, to be told, by people who believe themselves to be
>>sensitive, that telling the truth about what kind of president we
>>think Reagan was is "indecent."
>>
>>The late Vito Russo once said (I'm paraphrasing) that life for gay
>>people in 1980s America was like living in a war zone where only
>>the victims heard the bombs and saw the carnage. For years we
>>underwent horrific suffering, while the rest of the nation either
>>turned a blind eye or vilified us. Right now, many of us are
>>reliving those memories, as the country once again ignores our
>>pain, and absolves Reagan of responsibility.
>>
>>One last point: the fact that the country started addressing AIDS,
>>sometimes, in a humane way is largely due to the "indecent" writing
>>and shouting of AIDS activists, foremost among them Larry.
>>
>>If Reagan's admirers had any "decency," they would celebrate him in
>>private, in deference to the feelings of those of us their hero
>>wronged so terribly. So long as they insist on publicizing their
>>response to his death, I for one am going to express my deep
>>loathing for their Reagan as loudly as possible.
>>
>>And I thank Larry for setting an example.
>>
>>David Robinson
>>Los Angeles, California

Well. it's been quite a while since my last entry. I know.

Lots of things have happened since then. I decided to stay in NYC. I took a job at a hospital thinking that I would gain a lot of experience prior to Nursing school and the union will also help pay for school! In theory it has came out as I hoped it would, but the reality of taking a 60% pay cut is still painfully setting in. I am struggling through though and do like working at the hospital. I have definitely learned a lot and also reinforced my desire to be a nurse. i know without a shadow of doubt that this is where I belong.

I have also moved into my very own apartment. A one bedroom in Washington heights. It is the first time I've lived alone in nearly 10 years. I love it, even if it is a struggle financially.


Still single. (surprise)

But I'm happy with it, I suppose. Not that I wouldn't like a relationship but it's not really neccesary for my happiness...it would just be a bonus.

I sort of rediscovered my own blog today so i'll try and keep writing in it more again.

take care everyone.

Bodie

If you notice the links to the right, you will see that I have added some new links of note. Baghdad Burning and Dear Raed are bloggers from Iraq. Their stories of life in Iraq are mesmerizing to say the least. I admit though that they are difficult for me to read at times in that they are notably anti-american...wait, no. A more fair description is probably "anti-americanism". There abounds numerous things that I 100% agree with them on, particularly the ugliness and madness of war, hatred, division, occupation. But there are also plenty of things that I disagree with them on, but here is where it gets a little more difficult to truly seperate their passion and emotions from their true beliefs. Do they view all americans as occupying monsters who think only of themselves and believe that the world should be transformed into the capatalist driven society that is america? Sometimes I think they do and someitmes not. I hope they don't. I hope that they see that despite our goverments propaganda machine and our medias insatiable need to portray themselves as "fair and Balanced" when being anything but, that a large amount of normal, everyday americans feel as helpless as they do in Iraq to make a change in our countrys policys or our "leaderships' decisions.

That when we say remember 9/11 and the 3000 americans that were killed (which of course isn't really true, over 40 nationalities were represented in the list of dead on 9/11) that we say those things out of patrotism, fear, pain, anger and all the other human emotions that people feel after a loss and an attack like that. I don't mean to make light of their feelings or the tragedies that have been wrought upon their country and families. But anguish, pain, loss and fear are complicated issues and the responses to those things are never easily understood or rationalized, even for those doing the responding. As an american and a human being I find it hard to beleive that the average american intended to dismiss or cheapen the losses felt by the iraqi people over the years by saying our pain or hurt was more important. it just comes out that way sometimes...but intent is the more important thing I think when dealing with painful issues. I don't think the average american ever intended or intends to cheapen or belittle iraqi's and their pain.

There will always be finger pointing in war and times of strife. There will always be fingers to point and people to be pointed at. Every country (and it seems using their logic, every person in that country) has done atrocities, has made mistakes in war, has launched a missle and had it go to the worng target, has killed innocents (intentionally or not). In this day and age, with some cultures that have survived millenia, or just 200 years, everyone has blood on their hands and has made mistakes or made war. They have also made every effort to make it appear as the right way at the time. My concern is, and please understand this is not to suggest that because of the past we should "over-look" the transgressions of the present, but as long as we continue to point and blame and point and blame and so on, when will the cycle ever end, when will the world ever grow out of it's petty adolesence and learn how to get along and except everyone as who they are (and who they are not).

Check out those blogs. They are worth the read no matter what you believe and I'll almost guarantee that you'll learn something (if not about Iraq and it's people, then surely about yourself).


Bodie

A new bill called the dietary Supplement Saftey act (S.722) has been introduced in the U.S. Senate. Despite it's title, it would allow no more consumer protection than the current law–the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act (DSHEA)–provides. It would, however, significantly undermine many of the freedoms that american consumers of dietary supplements–like you or I–hold dear.

Oppose this legislation!

The food and drug administration must not be granted new and unprecedented authority to subject safe and beneficial products to additional and unnecessary scrutiny. This bill would subject nearly all vitamins, minerals, herbal products and other supplements to a level of scrutiny that is both unwarranted and unnecessary. Products that have been used safely for hundreds–and in some cases, thousands– of years would be subject to clinical evaluation using standards that are at the complete discretion of the FDA.

The government must not be allowed to limit the freedom of choice of american consumers when it comes to their health. By questioning the saftey of any dietary supplement that receives even one complaint, hundreds of products that have been safely and beneficially used could be removed from the marketplace. Under this new legislation, the FDA has complate discretion to make this determination, regardless of whether the product was used under the conditions cautioned against by the manufacturer on the label.

The government must not be allowed to single-out dietary supplements. By almost every measure, and by a wide margin, dietary supplements can be used more safely than conventional foods and over the counter drugs. Yet this legislation exempts foods in these product catagories from being classified as stimulants. Specifically, the bill unfairly excludes the most common "stimulant" ingredient in foods–caffeine. This legislation is covered in special interest dollars from the pharmaceutical industry that is losing profits to a growing alternative therapy market and natural products market.

This bill could be added to existing Senate legislation at any time. We need to take action now by calling and writing your Senators now! I am including a sample letter below that you might consider using to write your Senator, feel free to use it and share it with friends and family that this legislation will also effect–that means just about everyone!

_____


Dear Senator _____________________:

As your constituent, I urge you to oppose any efforts by your fellow senators to pass S. 722, the so-called Diestary Supplement "Safety" Act, recently introduced by Senator Richard Durbin. I am deeply concerned that rather than passing this new act–which would unnecessarily expand the authority of the Food and Drug Administration–Congress should instead investigate and oversee ways in which the Food and Drug Administration can make full use of its current and more-than-adequate authority as granted by the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act of 1994.

I have read the Durbin bill, despite its title, would allow no more consumer protection than the current law provides. It does, however, contain new and discretionary enforcement powers that would significantly undermone many of the freedoms that American consumers of dietary supplements–like myself–hold dear.

If adopted, this bill would subject nearly all vitamins, minerals, herbal products and other supplements to a level of scrutiny that is both unwarranted and unnecessary. Products that have been used safely and beneficially for hundreds–and in some cases, thousands–of years would be subject to clinical evaluation using standards that are at the complete discretion of the FDA.

I am concerned that this bill, by questioning the safety of any dietary supplement that receives even one complaint, will result in potentially hundreds of products being removed from the marketplace. Under this new legislation, the FDA has complate discretion to make this determination, regardless of whether the product was used under conditions cautioned against by the manufacturer on the label.

By almost every measure, and by a wide-margin, dietary supplements can be used more afely and effectively than conventional foods and over-the-counter medications. Yet this legislation exempts foods in these product categories from being classified as stimulants. Specifically, the bill unfairly excludes the most common stimulant ingredient in foods–caffeine. This entire piece of legislation reaks of special interests (ie. The pharmaceutical industry thats losing profits to alternative natural supplements).

I ask you to oppose this extreme and unnecessary legislation and instead take the opportunity to encourage and support the FDA in fully utilizing its enforcement powers as granted by DSHEA.

I look forward to hearing you thoughts on this important matter.

Sincerely,

X

____

Don't forget to put your name, address, city, state and zip code too!

Okay, So I couldn't resist this one. I laughed out loud. I wouldn't say that I am in quite as bad of shape as the guy in this letter below, but he does have some important points. The reality is, the people on "Queer Eye" are experts, gay ones, yes, but experts all the same. I am gay, yes, but I have never claimed nor do I want to be known as an expert on any of the fabulous 5 topics covered in "Queer Eye". And as a side note, I'm not sure how I feel about middle america being told that the word "Queer" is okay to use in reference to gay people again. It didn't work out so well the first time around, or aren't there any gay people alive who remember.....

___________

By LOUIS BAYARD


Bravo's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" may be the hottest show on television right now -- no less an authority than Entertainment Weekly has declared it "summer's breakout hit." But frankly, it's becoming a major problem for some of us out here in the gay community. So, in hopes of turning the lavender tide before anyone else gets swept away, I offer this open letter to the show's producers. Additional signatories welcome.

Hey Guys:

Don't get me wrong. I love the show. Really. The whole "Fab 5" thing, with the glamour homos swooping in on the hapless straight guy and rendering him fit for society, love, career ... It's all a great big 10-gallon hoot and a half. Love the bitchy quips. Love the grooming tips. Love it when the style queens gather in the closing minutes like beer swillers at a sports bar to cheer their boy into the end zone.

But your show is placing enormous pressure on me and on the great silent majority of gay men who (I'm extrapolating here) really aren't that fab. Think -- please think! -- about the message you are conveying to straight America. They come away believing that every homosexual is a hairstylist, runway model, interior designer, oenophile, chef and cultural commissar wrapped up in a form-fitting ribbed tee. It just ain't so.

If I could describe to you the office in which this dispatch is being typed, you would be shocked -- shocked! -- at the level of squalor that a gay man, if he puts his mind to it, can attain. To the wall above me cling the shreds of a wallpaper border that was chosen by a 7-year-old boy -- the son of my house's previous owners. Did I take down this mincing little frieze of choo-choos and sailboats and big baby-blue airplanes and replace it with something more Tuscan or Grecian? I did not. Have I made any sorties against the spider web that has been gathering insect carcasses behind my bookcase since the middle Cambrian Period? I have not. Have I, at any time in the last decade, changed the cat litter that is even now stinging my nostrils with its effluvium? No indeed.

Ah, but that doesn't matter. Gay men are great cooks, right? I mean, it's hard-wired right into our little Calphalon hypothalami, isn't it? Well, yesterday morning, I burned half a rasher of bacon. This was not one of those I-was-distracted-by-a-gunshot-and-a-loud-ungodly-cry kind of situations. No, I was there the whole time, watching the bacon resolve into soot and fume ... strangely helpless to stop it ... waiting, waiting for something -- a smoke alarm, as it turned out -- to jar me into action.

And after I pulled my carbonized fat off the fire? I ate it.

Oh, and you know that tip "Grooming Guru" Kyan gave on a recent episode, about applying hair product from back to front? Tried it. I looked like Speed Racer after he takes off his helmet.

As for this clothes sense that we gay men are alleged to have ... well, I guess you just haven't smelled my sandals lately. You weren't there the other night when I was rifling through my dresser drawer for a single pair of hole-free socks -- I'm still looking. You didn't see the Gap shirt I threw on yesterday, the one so tessellated by wrinkles it seemed to be made of foil. You didn't see me trying to match a red tee to a pair of blue-and-white glen-plaid shorts. Or the look on my partner's face when he stopped me just in time. "The horror," said that look. "The horror."

I haven't shaved in four days. I haven't had my shoes polished in three years. I wouldn't know an exfoliant from an exterminant. Don't you see? I lose this game on all points. And yet, thanks to you and your show, no one will believe me. Loved ones and strangers alike persist in thinking that my brain must be a golden hoard of exotic knowledge. They expect me to know the names of every kind of lily. They expect me to distinguish Tiffany from Baccarat from Sears. They scour my medicine cabinets for moisturizers that have never lived there. My brother called the other day and asked me where I thought interest rates were heading. Interest rates?

If you guys keep driving home this vision of homosexual supercompetence, you will leave me but one alternative: I will have to demand that the Fab 5 come over and remake my life, too. Then you will see that slovenliness knows no sexuality. It droppeth as does the sludgy rain from heaven, afflicting him that loves women and him that loves men.

So come on, Fab 5. Help me be the gay man I should be. And hurry. This cat litter is really starting to reek.

Yours very sincerely,

Queer Guy with a Straight Eye

I took myself to the movies on Friday. I saw CAMP. I loved it.

There are a dozen reasons why I loved this movie. Seeing it by yourself is the best way to see it too I think. I cried, i laughed out loud, I thought deeply about myself and my own self-worth and self-confidence. Needless to say, the direction (or lack of) that my life has been going lately, I freely admit that i needed a little emotional shakeup and a little reminder of my strength and of the trials and obstacles i have endured and conqured.

This movie follows a group of "mis-fit" kids to their summer drama camp. Their gay boys, fag hags, nerds, band and drama geeks, lonely and way too pretty straight boys. Essentially its my life from age 12 to age 16. The movie isn't for everyone of course, but if you were even a little like one of these kids when you were young, your heart will fall in love with them immediately and you'll likely find yourself looking down memory lane to a place that most of us who lived those lives have tried very hard to forget or alter to something a little more palatable over the years.

On top of all of that. The talent of these kids and the music written for the movie is amazing. i've already bought the soundtrack and its great too. If you have a chance...go see it. And maybe even call up a friend you haven't seen in a long time from that era and see if they wanna go with you.

It's odd to me that even after all these years i still need a movie about 12 year olds at theater camp to remind me that I'm a good person with great talents and a lot to offer the world.

Bodie

Well, it's just 6 and 1/2 hours now until the official start of my birthday, August 20th. Whenever I tell anyone how old I will be they say "oh, that's not old", and I say "Screw you, it's the oldest I've ever been!"

28.

To be quite honest though, I am grateful for each birthday I have. Each one means another year that I am still alive and well. Things can happen to you in your life that make you more aware of how precious a gift life truly is. And although I would never want anyone to have to endure the things I have had to to understand that, I will use my birthday wish when I blow out the candles to wish that everyone, everywhere might have the opportunity to see the value, beauty and joy that life is when you chose to make it that.

It would also have been my fathers birthday too, if he was alive. It would have been a big birthday for him, his 50th. I miss him most around our birthday and often wonder what it would be like to have him know me as the person I have become. Although at times I have had my doubts, I believe that he would be proud of me.

Enjoy life everyone, be grateful for the time you have and make the most of it while you can.

Happy Birthday Dad. I miss ya.

--Bodie

BLACKOUT CHAOS!!

That was the headline seen around the world on Friday. And as much as I hate to be a party pooper, the truth must be told. I will offer this small disclaimer though -- Although my story and those I seemed to interact with during the Blackout of 2003 didn't involve and "Chaos", I will conceed that there are nearly 14 million people in the NYC area and 50 million were without power and I suppose it is possible that somewhere, someone was experiencing "chaos".

I didn't. in fact I had one of those really amazing "new York City" experiences that i think are only possible to have in a place like NYC. Here is how it happened for me.

4:10pm Thursday August 14th -
The power goes out while i'm in the middle of writing an email at work. The office (considering I work for a magazine) erupts in bursts of profanity as the editorial staff realizes they have just lost everything they were working on and which they forgot to save as they were going. initially we thought it was just something with the construction on the first floor of our building. But then someone saw out our office windows that it looked as though others around our building were without power as well. So on went the radio to 1010 WINS (the always dependable news radio station). Static. Silence and Static. It occured to us at that moment that this was a bigger problem than we had first realized.

So the phone calls started and we realized it was evenm worse. On 9/11 it was virtually impossible to make a cell phone call because the networks were jammed with traffic. It was the same this time. I was finally able to reach my mother on the phone and told her to turn on the news and tell me if she saw anything about what appeared to be going on. That is when we became the most nervous. (note: there was still no "Chaos") She told us power was out all over the northeast....Detroit, Toronto, Ottawa, Cleveland, NYC, Philly. I admit we were a little nervous at this point. But soon after it started coming in that it was a natural occurance....No terrorism. Relief.

Work was closed and so I decided that rather than start walking back to Brooklyn in 90 degree heat that i would go to the village and have a beer before they got warm. The rest of the night was like a huge street party all over new york by candlelight. it was really a sight to see and experience. people were hanging out on the sidewalks by candle light, drinking wine and talking with strangers. the piano bars in the village whipped out the candleabras and were singing showtoons and standards until 3am.

i slept at my office on the roof of the building that first night. The nest I wandered the streets again enjoying the crowds and beautiful sunshine. talking with Friends I ran into on the streets along the way. The power finally came back on here in the village at around 3:45pm on Friday, nearly 24 hours after it all went dark.

It was the Blackout of 2003, there was no "Chaos" just lots of great New Yorkers having fun and doing what they do best. handling crisis with grace and charm and a whole lot of balls.

Things now are virtually completely back to normal from what we can see and work continues as if there was just a long weekend involved. I hope everyone who was affected by the blackout is okay and enjoyed the unique experience as much as I did.

Bodie

So, The Barbarians won the championship and the cookout was a lot of fun and a great success. My teams playoffs though was a washout and the games were cancelled. So it seems as though we finished in second place after all, which is a respectable finish considering the competition this season.

I have a dentists appt. today and I'm not looking forward to it. Of course who does? it should be rather painless I guess.

Other than that, its just the same old stuff going on. Still not sure what I'll be doing or where I'll be in a month. So many questions and uncertainties. Oh, and my Birthday is just 8 days away and counting. ugh!

I know this is the most boring post ever....but sorry, it's all i've got.

Bodie

I feel like I am on a stress/emotional pendulum. One day it seems overwhelming and the next it seems silly to even be bothered by it. Today, luckily is one where I feel it's silly. So I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

I've been meeting a lot of new and nice people it seems lately. of course it always works that way when you are preparing to leave someplace. The potential friends start to come out of the woodwork--a day late and a dollar short as my granny would say.

So, my softball season is coming to an end here this weekend. My team the Vikings have been doing really well again this year. We finished second in the regular season and are still alive for the play-offs. We have a chance to pull out a championship if everything goes our way this Sunday. Playing softball has been one of the best expereinces here in NY. I am actually pretty darn good at it too!

Tomorrow our sister team the Barbarians only has to win one game and they take home the championship for their division which is a really big deal. Afterwards we are all having a picnic/cookout in Prospect Park in Brooklyn. it is really on eof the most amazing parks in the world and is actually larger than Central Park. It ought to be a fun day as long as the weather holds out.

Have a good weekend and remember, if you are stressing about it, it's probably silly to even be bothered. so let it go and enjoy the now.

Bodie

Well, I've been incommunicado for the last few days. I've been around of course (because I never really do anything) but my mind has been taking a sabatical from all the stresses and unknowns that seem to permeate my life lately. It is August 7th and my last day here at my job is September 15th. As of today I still have absolutely no idea what I will be doing on September 16th. It's a terrifying prospect, but what I have but no choice to endure for the time being. Don't get me wrong, when it comes to things like this I am anything but static. I have resumes out all over, I have contingency plans for my contingency plans, but because of timing I am unable to commit to one plan of action until more questions are answered or more details come to light. It is terribly frustrating.

On top of all that, I found out some slightly unsettling news about my medical health after my monthly visit to my doctor. Nothing to completely freak out about mind you, but unsettling none the less. Again, I'll just have to wait and see. Then I lost a filling and have had a tooth ache for two days and tried to get into the dentist office and of course he's on vacation and the other dentists are all booked up. "they'll try and sqeeze me in soon", they said. I've been waiting for that phone call all morning.

And finally. I found out that my face will soon be spaltered all over numerous magazines, possibly billboards and train stations and subways in the coming months. That should be a good thing right? Well sort of. I work for a national magazine that deals with HIV and AIDS. One of our clients, a very large pharmaceutical company was looking for models to do their ads for a newly reformulated medication. A co-worker set me up with the company and I got picked to do the photo shoot. We were told they were only going to be used for professional ads (journals, pamphlets, etc.). Well Yesterday the packaged arived with their new ad in it for our upcoming issue (the same ad they send to likely hundreds of publications) and there is my face, covering half the page and me holding the pill in my hand. It's neat, I guess. I just never expected I would ever end up a "poster-boy" for HIV meds. This sounds horrible, but I probably wouldn't be as concerned if i thought it was a good picture of me. Awful I know.

Anyway, that is whats going on. It's a ton and I tend to feel I "need a beer" more often than not lately, if you know what I mean.

Good health and happiness to all.
Bodie

BLOGGER

Well, those of you who might have been coming here over the last few weeks will notice that there are distinct changes to the Blog. First off the "Nurse" part is gone. Well, if you couldn't gather from the previous entries that my chance to go to nursing school this fall has fallen through, you are hearby notified that it has....fallen through that is.

I was unable to secure enough financial aid to support myself without working, and unfortunately due to the nature of the program working was out of the question. So I have deferred my acceptance until next year and I will be moving back to Florida from NYC near the end of September. This was a very difficult decision for me, but that is the way the path has developed and I am going to walk it and see where it leads. I have learned over the years (along with the recent guidance of some very smart friends) that it is naive to think we can see the best possible path for ourselves all the time. It is often the path that seems the least inviting that can lead to the most rewards. So I have decided to follow destiny at this turn and see where it leads me.

On that line, my blog has also changed and is now more reflective of the events in my life and the way in which they are unfolding. I hope that if you were able to find your way here again (or for the first time) that you enjoy it and on some level identify with me and my journey into the unknown.

On the right you will also find links to some sights I enjoy, value or simply just believe in. There are some other blogs (Uggabugga, Ftrain) blogs of friends (Stanna.net) the magazine I currently work for (POZ Magazine) and an organization that I am proud to have recently been named Vice-President of (Positive Hope). Check them out if you get a chance.

--Bodie